Hi Bestieeeezle,
This started as a signal message but evolved into a letter/journal.
It's a letter about me myself and I
I was feeling and processing as I wrote so I just kept going.
When you have time, It would make me feel happy if you read it <3
But I don't need you to be my therapist or anything
(Probably do need a therapist though lmao)
You make me feel understood and heard and not alone with it all (life)
You are also funny af and a sweet angel.
I feel safe being vulnerable with you, so it is a letter to you, my best friend.
Not to say I wouldn't love your thoughts if you have em š
I am thinking, realizing, or maybe it's a hypothesis that...
It's not that getting angry specifically motivates me...
I avoid and suppress what I'm feeling;
Naturally until im ready/safe to feel/process;
naturally but maladaptive in my tendency to be avoidant;
on purpose with my prozac.
It was needed at the time.
Like I have in the past, I think I need to go off prozac for a little and let myself naturally feel traumatic shit fully;
to get in my feelings, ugly cry, and process.
(Starting prozac is Final Destination premonition I swear)
(Everytime I go on it, trauma or death follows)
I don't have all the time in the world, so I'm writing about it to bootstrap and combat my maladaptive tendency to thug it out beyond what's needed.
I want (need) to also intentionally feel all the little shit.
This entire journalā¦.
ĀæI guess sort of a journal?
ā¦started because I was taking a shit in my stupid uncentered toilet;
sitting in a bathroom that desperately needs to be cleaned;
I let myself feelā¦.
I got angry and started cleaningā¦
(Cleaning enough to take a picture for my meme š)
What motivates me, what pushes meā¦.
Whatever makes that dawg in me bark;
fuck it;
what makes that dog in me howl;
hootin & hollerin;
crying mf wolf, and all of the aboveā¦
...is not there, whatever it may be, when I'm numb and apatheticā¦.
No
I need to feelā¦
ā¦To feel;
SOMETHING;
ANYTHING;
That is what drives me
(FUCK I'VE BEEN NUMB FOR SO LONG BESTIE)
I think now that I am safe for a few months I will be able to feel more.
Intentionally be mindful;
mindful of what I'm feeling in the moment;
little small big tall fucked ratchet rich appalled, no matter the feeling,
just not numb.
A prozac break too.
Andā¦. Light on kratom. (this one hurt to admit)
Thenā¦
Mainline some feelings into that dawg in me and get my mf self back n' thuggin.
Because feeling alive will make me...
...make me do what I need to be doing.
I mean fuck, feel thomas feel, to make me alive againā¦
I need it to. It will make me alive againā¦
If I didn't meet you I don't know if I'd be ok right now. Actually.
If I wasn't chemically numbed I'd be crying writing this.
Happy and sad.
I can feel the feelings start but the prozac (yes and kratom) kinda zaps them away.
I love you bitch š
Love you Bestieeeeeezle;
I Hope you know Gladys Marie Bestie
CC Lord Rizzler
Thugmaxxing Gains-er Gladdy
Ok byeeeeeeeeeeeee ilyli ilyli byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
- Thomas (Bestie)