Hi Bestieeeezle,
This started as a signal message but evolved into a letter/journal.
It's a letter about me myself and I
I was feeling and processing as I wrote so I just kept going.
When you have time, It would make me feel happy if you read it <3
But I don't need you to be my therapist or anything
(Probably do need a therapist though lmao)
You make me feel understood and heard and not alone with it all (life)
You are also funny af and a sweet angel.
I feel safe being vulnerable with you, so it is a letter to you, my best friend.
Not to say I wouldn't love your thoughts if you have em 😎
I am thinking, realizing, or maybe it's a hypothesis that...
It's not that getting angry specifically motivates me...
I avoid and suppress what I'm feeling;
Naturally until im ready/safe to feel/process;
naturally but maladaptive in my tendency to be avoidant;
on purpose with my prozac.
It was needed at the time.
Like I have in the past, I think I need to go off prozac for a little and let myself naturally feel traumatic shit fully;
to get in my feelings, ugly cry, and process.
(Starting prozac is Final Destination premonition I swear)
(Everytime I go on it, trauma or death follows)
I don't have all the time in the world, so I'm writing about it to bootstrap and combat my maladaptive tendency to thug it out beyond what's needed.
I want (need) to also intentionally feel all the little shit.
This entire journal….
¿I guess sort of a journal?
…started because I was taking a shit in my stupid uncentered toilet;
sitting in a bathroom that desperately needs to be cleaned;
I let myself feel….
I got angry and started cleaning…
(Cleaning enough to take a picture for my meme 😎)
What motivates me, what pushes me….
Whatever makes that dawg in me bark;
fuck it;
what makes that dog in me howl;
hootin & hollerin;
crying mf wolf, and all of the above…
...is not there, whatever it may be, when I'm numb and apathetic….
No
I need to feel…
…To feel;
SOMETHING;
ANYTHING;
That is what drives me
(FUCK I'VE BEEN NUMB FOR SO LONG BESTIE)
I think now that I am safe for a few months I will be able to feel more.
Intentionally be mindful;
mindful of what I'm feeling in the moment;
little small big tall fucked ratchet rich appalled, no matter the feeling,
just not numb.
A prozac break too.
And…. Light on kratom. (this one hurt to admit)
Then…
Mainline some feelings into that dawg in me and get my mf self back n' thuggin.
Because feeling alive will make me...
...make me do what I need to be doing.
I mean fuck, feel thomas feel, to make me alive again…
I need it to. It will make me alive again…
If I didn't meet you I don't know if I'd be ok right now. Actually.
If I wasn't chemically numbed I'd be crying writing this.
Happy and sad.
I can feel the feelings start but the prozac (yes and kratom) kinda zaps them away.
I love you bitch 💕
Love you Bestieeeeeezle;
I Hope you know Gladys Marie Bestie
CC Lord Rizzler
Thugmaxxing Gains-er Gladdy
Ok byeeeeeeeeeeeee ilyli ilyli byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
- Thomas (Bestie)